What the...?

Holy out of the closet, Batman!

That's so true...

If I did have a tumor, I'd name it Marla.

You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.

I watched Fight Club last night. It was really an odd experience. I mean, okay, I've seen it before so I know what's coming. Yet I found that I related to both the Narrator and Tyler. I'm not sure if that's something I should be disturbed about or if it's intentional by the filmmakers? The provincial feeling of comfortablenesses in relation to characters is part of the human condition.

I'm not saying I want to be involved in a Fight Club or Project Mayhem. It's just that there is underlying human understanding in those characters that told me some things about myself. Things I didn't necessarily want to look at. It's worth watching again I suppose is what I'm saying.

In dreams

"I think friends and family are precious. If you ever get to a point where love love somebody, you'd be stupid to lose them from your life".

This is a quote from Sean Lennon. There was an article in the arts and entertainment section of the StarTribune on sunday.

In 1980, when I was 14, I dreamt about his father getting shot the night before it happend, or rather I suppose I was dreaming about it as it happened. I just woke up and he was gone. It was pretty awful.

I don't know if that was a precognitive dream or zietgeist, the social mind or what? That just happens to me sometimes. I dream things before they happen. Although its never anything I can stop or the winning the lottery numbers or anything.

That dream made me very fascinated with John Lennon. I learned and read as much about him as I could after that. It was just this random act of crazy that changed the world.

I've been thinking a lot about "crazy" lately. I know a lot of "crazy" people. The Marys and I were discussing it this weekend. They believe that our own brand of personal crazy attracts other such individuals.

I'd like to think that I'm not nearly as crazy as some of the people I know but I don't know that I'm the one to decide that. Probably not.

Does the art inside of all us draw us together? Does that creative spark make for some kind of unspoken attraction to one another.

In many ways I've always tried to be a kind of traditional guy. But I don't usually get to choose what is going on around me.

Lately I've been having really bad dreams and I wake up thinking I have to change things up. Find some kind of balance in my life. At any rate the mornings are the worst. I'm not liking them the last week or so. So yeah, mornings are the worst.

No Other Way

When your mind is a mess
So is mine
I cant sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace
With the plans that we make
Chances we take
They're, not yours and not mine
There's waves that can break
All the words that we say
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short
Can't see the unseen
Cause the world is awake
For somebody's sake now, please close your eyes woman
Please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that I'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

A Good Day

I did have a fairly good day yesterday as my blog and inner monologue predicted.

I interviewed for a job I actually want.

I got a freelance illustration job.

I realized that Riverside and Riverview are vastly different places and thereby negated some bad feelings from the day before. Leading to a little peace and calm and perhaps understanding?

I took The Boo, Carrie, and Rosie to First Avenue for the Saosin show. That's always fun because they get so stoked for bands. Its screaming teenage girl enthusiasm at it's height.

I had to hand off some production illustrations to my film guys at the Hexagon (afterparty from the Fearless Filmmakers showcase at the Riverview) and ended up running into some old friends (that Mary and I were talking about at dinner not an hour before but that we hadn't seen for a good long while) that want me to play Dracula in a film -so all those years of dressing up like a vampire for Halloween have finally paid off.


My horoscope in Freewill astrology horoscope says I'll find "Redemption where there was once crap" this week.

So even though I'm still broke, unemployed, and on the verge of destitution, I'm doing okay. I think I've learned that having a "good day" is all about my own attitude. That's a good lesson. Let's see what I can do today.

Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up feeling like something good was going to happen to me today. I don't know why. I just did.

I've had feelings like this before, just not too many in recent months.

I hope that this is a real thing. Time will do the talking I suppose.

Wish me luck.

Erlichda

When the door closes behind me, it is tempting to regard it as some sort of tragic error, had I been more aware or smarter or stronger, the door wouldn't have closed.

The world isn't what I want it to be. Or maybe it's just that my world that isn't what I want it to be. There was a time I believed that the love of a good woman and a happy home would solve all my problems. The right relationship, the good job, the proper behavior, the correct attitude -seems simple enough yes?. Apparently, my problems are a slightly more insurmountable than this.

This is perhaps one of the most challenging times I've experienced in my life. Things are not falling into place -but then again I'm not sure that I want to continue counting on what I believed was "the truth" for a good many years. If it's just a matter of trusting that the doors that open and close are part of a bigger plan it's entirely possible that I'm supposed to learn something in this period. I've always been practical so I'm just dealing with "what is" rather than what "will be" or "could be".

Trust, in anything or any one except myself, has always been an issue for me. I'm not sure how that happened? I do see that it hasn't helped me. I've been let down quite a bit as a result. Yet, the times in my life when I've done well and been good to myself -I've been alone, focused, and clear. I'm realizing more and more that I need to start listening to that little voice inside of me again. I think I've just been too busy (or too stubborn) to hear it lately.

I guess that in the end I do always find a new door, a new path. Whether it's work, art, or relationships. Something always gives way. Experience has shown me that the less I look for it the more often it just shows up, usually in the most unexpected circumstances.

I know it sounds cliché but I do always have myself. That's all I've ever had despite what people say and more importantly what they do. When I'm in that place where the light isn't visible at the end of the tunnel and the darkness seems frightening and unmangeable I've always managed to find the answer.

So, I'm confident this new door will open soon, make itself known and I'll welcome the inevitable change that seems to be my life as a whole.

Is that trust? I don't know.