What the...?

Metamorphoses

Metamorphoses opens tonight at 7:00 pm at the Whitney Fine Arts Theater located at 1501 Yale Place on the Minneapolis Community and Technical College campus. Admission is free.
Metamorposes is a Tony award winning play adapted by Mary Zimmerman and based on the Myths of Ovid as translated by David P. Slavik.

Let me not outlive my own capacity to love..

How about that poster huh? I did the poster art and design.

Come back to the five and dime...?

Sometimes I feel like James Dean

"To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty; to interpret it his problem; and to express it his dedication. Being an actor is the loneliest thing in the world. You are all alone with your concentration and imagination, and that's all you have. Being a good actor isn't easy. Being a man is even harder. I want to be both before I'm done."

Jim said that fifty years ago.

I always related to Dean when I was younger. I had that haircut and that attitude. I had that interest in life and it's possibilities. Now I'm twice his age when he died (almost). That is neat.

I feel like I'm being torn apart by circumstances and fate. It's never what I think it'll be. It's always that odd look or the wrong thing said at the wrong time. Doesn't matter who or where. It really doesn't. I feel more alone than I ever have in my life and it's just an ugly place to be. I thought my life would be so different than it is.

As far as can tell this is all new territory and I'm lost in it. I suppose if I don't feel like I'm in over my head -I'm not learning. That's what Mary has always said at any rate.

Still I keep on going. I keep looking for that damn pot of proverbial gold. I don't know what happened to make me think about being 22 and enthralled in James Dean today? It's just one of those random thoughts that pop in unbidden.

I guess I am reaching a point where I'm unwilling to be satisfied with my circumstances. I'm finding a new Shawn that needs different things. I suppose at the end of the day that isn't such a bad thing.

Three Months From Forty Two

I am older than I ever been today. I feel as if the years have flashed by in rapid succession with many of things I intended to do, and I intended to be, have now gone by. I do realize that 41 (almost 42) isn't all that old. I suppose if it was the middle ages that I would be effectively dead -but it's not the middle ages; so here I am.

This isn't one of my depressing diatribes on wasted life though. Far from it, I'm not feeling as if I wasted much of anything these days. I'm feeling more alive than I ever have. I'm feeling like I've found new venues, new creativity, and new directions as of late. That's a good thing.

Mary and I were talking about how much faster the time seems to go by from 20-40 (as opposed to 1-20) over this past weekend. We concluded that 40-60 is more than likely going to go by at lightning fast speed and than "bam!" we'll be 60. YeahButWha?

I feel compelled to change these coming years. Make them count. I'm reasonably certain that I don't want to look back on the next, last, 20 years with the confusion I felt about my 20's and 30's. Oh hell, let's face it; I barely remember my 20's. I feel like a lot of what I retained from those years is an uncanny ability to do extremely well at 80's Trivial Pursuit. No, I'd much rather accomplish something. Create something. Aspire to my vocation rather than my job. Become.

So what is that? Self actualization? At this late stage of the game? Is that even possible given my dwindling resources and lack of enthusiasm for myself? I don't know? Frankly, one would have hoped that I would accomplish this by now? Perhaps I have and don't even know it?

I'm starting small. I always do. It's my oddly shaped INTJ personality, I'm sure of that. Baby steps. But it's working. Our younger daughters are coming to talk to us now. About their feelings, about their concerns, about their day. It's mind boggling sometimes. Joyous, but mind boggling. They see the shift and adapt quicker than anybody. I wish I had that ability still, to adapt quickly; and feel good about the adaptation. It's a gift of youth I suppose.

If there is one thing that I've truly learned, it's that children are amazing. You never know about yourself accurately until you experience parenthood I would think. Children define who you are in many ways. Or maybe that's just me? I doubt it though.

I do however believe it is a choice. I've known, up close and personal, too many bio-parents that have walked away. Called it day and think it's going be okay with these tiny miracles' that become your life's lesson. Well, I'll tell you what pally. It's not. It's never okay to walk away. It never stops hurting and always affects them. It's really inexcusable. Yet, off they go.

These bios don't ever have to look at that haunted look in their eyes. They leave that to the ones that had no option but to stay. I suppose, okay, I also had that option -it just didn't occur to me. Why would you? Not that I've ever felt saddled with them, oh no, quite the contrary. Family, to me at any rate, seems to be who is in your personal inner circle. It's not defined by blood, but rather, by actions. Most importantly by being there; in bad times and good times -despite your own personal crap. It's not always easy, but then what is?

"He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind." Proverbs 11:29

Look man, anybody can be parent, unless you know, they are biologically incapable of it like that woman in Raisng Arizona, but I do believe that it takes a certain kind of person to be a mom or a dad. I'm not tooting my own horn here. Far from it. My horn is tarnished and dirty at this point. It's just something I got out of the past weekend. I wouldn't trade my parenting experiences for all the gold in Fort Knox.

So, yeah, older, hopefully wiser, and ready to create. Put that in your diary.

Seasoned Affected Disgourger

I have been reading this book called Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer for a class I'm taking. It's all about finding your calling, your vocation in life. It's also about losing your fear and trusting yourself and the people around you. Not so much what you want to do for work -but what you could be doing if you were following your soul.

It transcends more than work though. A full and complete life, in my head at any rate, should be balanced in a lot of areas. "Who am I?" "Whose am I?" Do I want to be loved? Am I loveable? Am I a good person?

So how does one find that balance? My family for instance is more important to me than work. In fact I would say that they are more important to me than anything, really. I've worked awful jobs to support them. I've pawned things to buy them food and birthday or Christmas presents. I've gone without so that they wouldn't have to. I've done all of that and felt good doing it. Unconditional love, baby.

We've been broke, homeless, threatened, divided. Pretty much anything bad that can happen; has. In times of crisis you really get to see exactly who people are as their true selves. I'm pretty good in crisis. So is Mary. It just is. We've also had a lot of crisis in our life -so maybe we just developed skills to deal with it. In the end our family always seems to prevail.

I've overcome the depression that used to come over me about Christmas. Chiefly because I love the family gathering we have for Christmas. Of course, when I say "overcome" it only means that the first Christmas we spent together; my wife Mary told me to ."knock it the hell off" when I started talking about how I hated the holidays. She's the only person in the world that could have made me hear that. But she said it when I needed to hear it and it stuck.

I suppose that's why I believe family is so vital. We give each other things on a daily basis. Important things. Beautiful things. Painful things. Family things. I was given three beautiful daughters and a fantastic son. I'm a lucky man. Luckier than most men I know anyway.

My youngest daughter, Lana, is just astounding. She sees the world in a unique way that really jibes with my own view. She told me yesterday that she thought people "just didn't want to be happy". And that they didn't like it when other people were happy. I thought that was very profound. Lana always says profound things to me and has since she was tiny.

Lana is always looking at the angles. She was taking about math word problems. How long does it takes to get a certain distance if one house is at X and the other is Y. Her response was -"it depends on how you get there". Are you driving, walking, riding a bike? I thought that was a good question. But apparently they just wanted to know based on the distance. Stupid math.

I think that "how you get there" is important though. It does change the learning outcome. I'm always trying to figure out new ways to "get there" myself. I've spent the last year and especially the last three months or so trying to figure out how to "get there". It hasn't done me any good because I didn't end up getting what I wanted. To paraphrase Mr. Jagger, I may have gotten what I needed though.

So the problem becomes more about how do I get to me? What is it I want? The answer is; I don't know. I really don't. People have been telling me this for years. You have to know what you want, Shawn. You have to think about yourself. I thought I did. But I don't. Not a clue.

I want my family to be happy. I want another happy Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween. I want to see my children become successful and bloom. I want to try and achieve something that has become impossible in other aspects of my life.

As a parent you have to go through all of these phases. Our children are 22, 20, 13, and 12. Since we are on the last cycle of parenting we've been though all these phases. I'm not sure what it will be like to watch the older two become adults but I'm certainly looking forward to it. I'm feeling prepared. Yet, they always throw you curves. But I suppose the unpredictability is part of the fun. They are individuals after all. Not cookie cutter clones of Mary and I.

In Palmer's book he talks about going on an Outward Bound expedition when he was 41. The instructor told him to repel down a cliff. He came to a big hole on the side of the cliff and didn't know what to do. He couldn't go straight down any longer. The instructor said she was going to teach him the Outward Bound motto -"If you can't get out of it, get into it". I presume sometimes that's all there is to do. Get into it. Deal with it. Do the work.

Monday Blues

Have you ever had something you thought was so close not happen? I have. I'm experiencing that right now. I'm all about progress and change lately. I've been laid off; I'm applying for unemployment. I'm having a great deal of personal turmoil and I can't seem to shake my nagging doubts about myself and who I've become.

I just want run away. Maybe I should go to the ocean for a while? Or maybe I just need to revaluate where my life is going. Or isn't going.

I used to be a fairly decent guy, a good father, and good husband. Now I'm just kind of lost and alone. I've been trying to implement all these changes in my life and the universe just keeps on throwing curve balls at me.

Is that normal? Probably. I suppose the way one deals with curves is what is important. Well I'm not dealing very well with any of it lately. I've no one to blame but myself. I'm feeling like my ability to cope with pain is being outweighed by my dwindling resources.

The thing is; I thought I was on a good track finally. I'm learning and growing. I..m looking at behaviors that need changing yet it..s not enough. It..s never enough.

I suppose this will pass. Life is always going up and down on me. On everyone I suppose. Loss is inevitable. Oh well, tomorrow is another day