August 2006 has been one of the most awful/wonderful months of my entire life.
There’s so much you never get to say or you say it wrong. Regret is such an awful emotion. I’ve spent most of life living with regret or causing it in others. I suppose it doesn’t matter if it’s too late or not anymore. Life, it seems, is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
I thought I knew things and then as usual I’m faced with the fact that nothing is what it seems and the facts are gone. Or rather I’ve chosen to ignore certain facts over the years. ‘Can’t do that anymore. The reality is pretty much all up on me now.
Someday I’ll find out what it is and how it’s really supposed to be. I know that.
In the meantime I have realized several things about myself in the last few weeks. I’ve learned some of the big picture stuff that was missing. I’ve learned I’m capable of taking care of myself and staying true to my beliefs despite what’s being thrown at me and what I’m being accused of.
I’ve learned a lot about my concept of reality. That’s always a pain in the ass now isn’t it?
My perception always been a bit flawed. But I’m learning. I’m changing. I’m transforming.
I’m okay alone. I always have been. I suppose in the end you are always alone.
We see others as all good or all bad. We idealize people, put them on pedestals, and trust them without testing them. Then, when they behave like normal, fallible human beings, we cast them out of our lives -"You aren't perfect. You have failed me. You're no good." When someone hurts us, disappoints us, or does something that seems unfair to us, we immediately see them as all bad. We lose all trust in them, and sometimes all love for them. At that moment we do not believe they have any redeeming qualities. We 'forget" any good qualities we once thought they had, and any good deeds they once did.
I'm not precisely sure why this seemed important to me this morning? I think something changed in me last night... Something profound. I'm still analyzing it.
I started back to school last night. I'm taking an acting class from one of my favorite people in the world. She's so nurturing. Such a brilliant instructor. I love watching her interact with the students. I felt better than I have in a long time.
One of the first homework assignments was to keep an observational acting journal. It's an amazing exercise for me because the goal is to observe your five senses. I generally do this innately. So to take it out of the automatic responses I usually have walking through life is kind of amazing.
I haven't thought about why or how I observe things for a quite a long time.
I was having a dream that I was talking to Joe this morning. Joe being Mary's dead father not my friend Joe. It was very comforting. He told me things were going to be all right and that I should I just keep doing what I'm doing. It was one of those dreams that feels like the person is there if you know what I mean.
Then when I was driving to work I was waiting to turn at a light on 15th and Mary came around the corner. It was such a strange moment. We just kind of smiled at each other and kept driving.
I don't know maybe I finally got my sign?
So I have this 7:00 a.m. Client meeting this morning in Prior Lake. For some reason because we are trying to close a several million dollar deal we have to jump through hoops. Go figure.
Meeting is fine, deadline is doable. I'm driving back to the office, listening to oldies station ( I had just asked for a sign about what to do with my life), and this semi trucks stops dead in front of me. I skid to a halt. Just miss the back of it. Then another mini van rear ends me. We pull over and everybody is fine. Nothing exchanged.
Now of course my right arm is numb. My back hurts. Next time I'll just skip the asking for a sign part maybe.
The song that played (if anybody is interested) was
When a man loves a woman...shows me what I get for looking for guidance.
When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothing else
He'll trade the world
For the good thing he's found
If she's bad he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down
When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comfort
Sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way it ought to be
Well, this man loves a woman
I gave you everything I had
Tryin' to hold on to your precious love
Baby, please don't treat me bad
When a man loves a woman
Down deep in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she plays him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Lovin' eyes can't ever see
When a man loves a woman
He can do no wrong
He can never own some other girl
Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby, you're my world
When a man loves a woman.....
The difference between anger and blame is that blaming keeps you caught up in the problem, while releasing your anger constructively allows you to work through the problem. Continually blaming others for what they have done to us in the past keeps us stuck in the past, and we remain emotional children.
Karma police, arrest this man, he talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge, hes like a detuned radio
Karma police, arrest this girl, her hitler hairdo, is making me feel ill
And we have crashed her party
Karma police, Ive given all I can, its not enough
Ive given all I can, but were still on the payroll
This is what you get, when you mess with us
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
A friend sent me this. I thought it was apropos.
The Buddha and the Onion
Take this onion, said the Buddha.
Discard the wan green stalks.
Remove the parchment husks.
Then peel it carefully,
One translucent layer at a time.
Be patient. Work slowly. Keep peeling.
Find out what's inside.
Years pass. So many layers,
so wan and translucent.
Until nothing at all.
No fruit, no core, no kernel.
Just tears.
~ Anonymous
and another...
"Life moves on, whether we act as
cowards or heroes.
Life has no other impose,
if we would but realize it,
than to accept life unquestioningly.
Everything we shut our eyes to,
everything we run away from,
everything we despise,
serves to defeat us in the end.
What seems nasty, painful, evil,
can become a source of beauty, joy,
and strength,
if faced with an open mind.
Every moment is a golden one
for him who has the vision
to recognize it as such."
~ Henry Miller
So last night I met the musician that wrote 99 Luftballoons. In Rogers MN of all places. Uwe. That was his name. Very interesting guy. He was also the keyboardist on Rock me Amadeus.
Today was rough. Woke up kind of panicked. I hate panic attacks. That happened yesterday too. I thought it was just becuase I was going to Walmart. But that's two for two now
I realized that I'm still making way too much coffee for one person in the morning.
So I spent my first night in my new place last night. It was surprisingly calming. I woke feeling pretty good. It was so quiet though. I'm not used to quiet.
I haven't hooked up the cable. I don't know if I'm going to? It's kind of nice in the quiet.