When the door closes behind me, it is tempting to regard it as some sort of tragic error, had I been more aware or smarter or stronger, the door wouldn't have closed.
The world isn't what I want it to be. Or maybe it's just that my world that isn't what I want it to be. There was a time I believed that the love of a good woman and a happy home would solve all my problems. The right relationship, the good job, the proper behavior, the correct attitude -seems simple enough yes?. Apparently, my problems are a slightly more insurmountable than this.
This is perhaps one of the most challenging times I've experienced in my life. Things are not falling into place -but then again I'm not sure that I want to continue counting on what I believed was "the truth" for a good many years. If it's just a matter of trusting that the doors that open and close are part of a bigger plan it's entirely possible that I'm supposed to learn something in this period. I've always been practical so I'm just dealing with "what is" rather than what "will be" or "could be".
Trust, in anything or any one except myself, has always been an issue for me. I'm not sure how that happened? I do see that it hasn't helped me. I've been let down quite a bit as a result. Yet, the times in my life when I've done well and been good to myself -I've been alone, focused, and clear. I'm realizing more and more that I need to start listening to that little voice inside of me again. I think I've just been too busy (or too stubborn) to hear it lately.
I guess that in the end I do always find a new door, a new path. Whether it's work, art, or relationships. Something always gives way. Experience has shown me that the less I look for it the more often it just shows up, usually in the most unexpected circumstances.
I know it sounds cliché but I do always have myself. That's all I've ever had despite what people say and more importantly what they do. When I'm in that place where the light isn't visible at the end of the tunnel and the darkness seems frightening and unmangeable I've always managed to find the answer.
So, I'm confident this new door will open soon, make itself known and I'll welcome the inevitable change that seems to be my life as a whole.
Is that trust? I don't know.
Posted by shawn at December 1, 2006 10:30 AM