November 17, 2006
Crossroads
I've been looking into why artists create. There is a quote that says, and I'm paraphrasing here, "insanity is to artists like garlic is to salad". Maybe that is true. I've been told that I'm crazy before. I've been so obsessed with a painting or a role that it consumes me.
There comes a point with everyone I think where you have to make a choice. I've always tried to make the right choices in my life. I've succeeded and I failed several times. I'm at such a crossroads now.
The thing is I'm not even sure if there is any choice left. Supposedly you always have a choice. Or so I've been told by people who seem to know. Sometimes I feel like I can only follow the path I'm on. That there is only one way. But that's never true.
I'm so confused about myself these days. It's just been such tough year. I'm so unclear about my relationship, my life, who I am? I haven't felt this raw since 1989.
I know that I will be okay. I always am. Some people even say I'm lucky. I personally don't believe luck has anything to with it.
I have been creating this new art. It's the only thing seems to make feel better lately. I know it's gloomy and morose but isn't that better than carrying it around inside? I don't know?
Does anybody?
Sometimes I think the desert changed me irrevocably. I should have never gone there. It wasn't okay.
"Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie,
Which we ascribe to Heaven."