Sometimes I feel like James Dean
"To grasp the full significance of life is the actor's duty; to interpret it his problem; and to express it his dedication. Being an actor is the loneliest thing in the world. You are all alone with your concentration and imagination, and that's all you have. Being a good actor isn't easy. Being a man is even harder. I want to be both before I'm done."
Jim said that fifty years ago.
I always related to Dean when I was younger. I had that haircut and that attitude. I had that interest in life and it's possibilities. Now I'm twice his age when he died (almost). That is neat.
I feel like I'm being torn apart by circumstances and fate. It's never what I think it'll be. It's always that odd look or the wrong thing said at the wrong time. Doesn't matter who or where. It really doesn't. I feel more alone than I ever have in my life and it's just an ugly place to be. I thought my life would be so different than it is.
As far as can tell this is all new territory and I'm lost in it. I suppose if I don't feel like I'm in over my head -I'm not learning. That's what Mary has always said at any rate.
Still I keep on going. I keep looking for that damn pot of proverbial gold. I don't know what happened to make me think about being 22 and enthralled in James Dean today? It's just one of those random thoughts that pop in unbidden.
I guess I am reaching a point where I'm unwilling to be satisfied with my circumstances. I'm finding a new Shawn that needs different things. I suppose at the end of the day that isn't such a bad thing.