I am older than I ever been today. I feel as if the years have flashed by in rapid succession with many of things I intended to do, and I intended to be, have now gone by. I do realize that 41 (almost 42) isn't all that old. I suppose if it was the middle ages that I would be effectively dead -but it's not the middle ages; so here I am.
This isn't one of my depressing diatribes on wasted life though. Far from it, I'm not feeling as if I wasted much of anything these days. I'm feeling more alive than I ever have. I'm feeling like I've found new venues, new creativity, and new directions as of late. That's a good thing.
Mary and I were talking about how much faster the time seems to go by from 20-40 (as opposed to 1-20) over this past weekend. We concluded that 40-60 is more than likely going to go by at lightning fast speed and than "bam!" we'll be 60. YeahButWha?
I feel compelled to change these coming years. Make them count. I'm reasonably certain that I don't want to look back on the next, last, 20 years with the confusion I felt about my 20's and 30's. Oh hell, let's face it; I barely remember my 20's. I feel like a lot of what I retained from those years is an uncanny ability to do extremely well at 80's Trivial Pursuit. No, I'd much rather accomplish something. Create something. Aspire to my vocation rather than my job. Become.
So what is that? Self actualization? At this late stage of the game? Is that even possible given my dwindling resources and lack of enthusiasm for myself? I don't know? Frankly, one would have hoped that I would accomplish this by now? Perhaps I have and don't even know it?
I'm starting small. I always do. It's my oddly shaped INTJ personality, I'm sure of that. Baby steps. But it's working. Our younger daughters are coming to talk to us now. About their feelings, about their concerns, about their day. It's mind boggling sometimes. Joyous, but mind boggling. They see the shift and adapt quicker than anybody. I wish I had that ability still, to adapt quickly; and feel good about the adaptation. It's a gift of youth I suppose.
If there is one thing that I've truly learned, it's that children are amazing. You never know about yourself accurately until you experience parenthood I would think. Children define who you are in many ways. Or maybe that's just me? I doubt it though.
I do however believe it is a choice. I've known, up close and personal, too many bio-parents that have walked away. Called it day and think it's going be okay with these tiny miracles' that become your life's lesson. Well, I'll tell you what pally. It's not. It's never okay to walk away. It never stops hurting and always affects them. It's really inexcusable. Yet, off they go.
These bios don't ever have to look at that haunted look in their eyes. They leave that to the ones that had no option but to stay. I suppose, okay, I also had that option -it just didn't occur to me. Why would you? Not that I've ever felt saddled with them, oh no, quite the contrary. Family, to me at any rate, seems to be who is in your personal inner circle. It's not defined by blood, but rather, by actions. Most importantly by being there; in bad times and good times -despite your own personal crap. It's not always easy, but then what is?
"He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind." Proverbs 11:29
Look man, anybody can be parent, unless you know, they are biologically incapable of it like that woman in Raisng Arizona, but I do believe that it takes a certain kind of person to be a mom or a dad. I'm not tooting my own horn here. Far from it. My horn is tarnished and dirty at this point. It's just something I got out of the past weekend. I wouldn't trade my parenting experiences for all the gold in Fort Knox.
So, yeah, older, hopefully wiser, and ready to create. Put that in your diary.